“I Want Everything Louder than Everything Else”

Deep Purple may have been just a heavy rock band to some, but those who followed more closely will know they were a group of supremely talented individuals, and they knew it. If you weren't good enough, you were out...

As the band warmed up for a gig in Osaka, you could hear each individual member screaming to the sound technicians for greater prominence. It was different back then. The exasperated engineer finally snaps:    "Yeah, I want everything louder than everything else". Lead singer, Ian Gillan, thought it was hillarious and can be clearly heard repeating it on the album.

So, what's that got to do with Everton? Well, not a great deal really. It's just that I listened to the gig for the first time in about 25 years and hearing those egos vying for center stage, I was suddenly struck by the contrast to our beloved club. I mean, where are our extroverts? Who is meant to be running our show? Who's front of OUR house? Who represents what was once the finest footballing institution in the country?

I guess the guy we hear most from must be Davey Moyes, but with every passing press conference he looks more and more like he would rather be anywhere else. His answers are smug and arrogant. He's bored and he demonstrates a complete lack of respect towards anybody who has the temerity to ask him a question he doesnt fancy answering.

Our boy Davey has always been rather adept at managing expection, but this season he has taken that to another level. He has also, over time, developed almost matadorial skills when it comes to taking responsibility. It's everybody else's fault. He doesn't talk up our club or his colleagues. He talks it and them down.

It's not always clear who Moyes is blaming for the current squad situation, but it is clear that he doesn't think any of the responsibility lies at his door. It's also clear (despite his claims) that he doesn't quite understand what being an Evertonian means. We eat sleep and drink this club and it's very frustrating to have a manager who purposely keeps us in the dark with evasive, cryptic answers which he clearly believes make him look rather smart.

Moyes is not alone in his reluctance to inform or engage with the fans. It runs through the entire club. I can't for the life of me understand the CEO's prolonged periods of silence. He's like Gilbert and Sullivan's Monarch of the Sea. Not on deck, but seeking the seclusion that a cabin grants. I wonder if maybe his reluctance to engage is driven by the fear of being found out? His latest utterings were roundly and rightly dismissed by an increasingly cynical fanbase as nonsense. I, personally, take his silence to be the chosen strategy of a man who fears he makes a complete Cheshire Cat of himself every time he opens his mouth.  

I was prompted to pen this piece by Jason Cundy, AKA Jason-fucken-Cundy. An odious little bastard with an enormous gob and a hair transplant which clearly didn't go according to plan. He was shite as a player and he's even worse as a pundit. So, why would I listen to him when he asks "What is the point of Everton?"  Why did I grip the steering wheel so tightly when he taunted a Blues brother by repeatedly saying, "What are you? You turn up, play 38  games, then go the beach... You do nothing"? Despite my disdain and lack of respect for him, I realised the disagreeable little sod was right. His question is valid... What is our purpose?

We all know about our fantastic history and our wonderfully passionate fanbase but, those two things aside,  who represents today's Everton? Who inside the club says anything to remind the rest of football of just who we are?

I believe there has  been an unrequited love going on at Everton for decades. Over and over the fans have demonstrated their undying loyalty and love for the club. Yet the club has repeatedly shown it doesn't give two hoots for them. Moyes, Ancelotti, Benitez, Allaedyce, Lampard and Dyche all left the club with their saddlebags bulging. Not one of them made even the slightest attempt to entertain the fans with a decent brand of football. They liked the money alright, but their disregard for the fans was there for all to see. They all opted for the easy route. Apparently, the pay was just the same if you served up anti-football.                                                            

Carter. Kenwright. Moshiri... Dear me!  And just when we think we are finally out of the long dark tunnel,  along comes Gary Cooper, all strong and silent-like. What is it with this club? We must be the only football club in the world whose board boycotted the fans while the last lot jumped ship. Gary Cooper won't even come aboard.

I wonder how long the amazing Evertonians can continue to provide the oxygen which keeps this club alive. We are dying; drowning in our own mediocrity. Even Cundy can see that. To the outsider, we are dull as ditchwater. The club that lost its personality and if it was left to any of the recent custodians we would already be dead

All summer long I have heard people bang on about our need for a right-back and a striker. They're right, of course, but we have a far more pressing need. Everton needs a personality. A larger-than-life character. A Bill Shankly. A Brian Clough... or even a Jose Mourinho. We have to find a catalyst. A communicator.  Somebody who will breathe life into the club from within. Somebody to reassure us that the club's heart is still beating.

I don't want Moyes managing my expectation. I want a manager who believes in himself. I'm sick of Angus's fuck-witted platitudes and his so-called elite team. I want somebody who knows a player when he sees one and puts him in a blue shirt. I don't want owners who have no interest in the team or the fans. That these American carpetbaggers think they can meet the love and passion of the fans with a silent disdain infuriates me.

I want Catterick and Carey's desire to play School of Science football. I want Howard's "Fuck you, Bayern" attitude. I want Big Joe's swagger. His wink. I want Sir John's "And something WILL be done" stance

We're Everton... Why on earth have we spent decades doing meek and mild? Why does a visit to our club website resemble a visit to Ford cemetery? Why is everyone connected to the club so incredibly dull? Why are dreams and aspiration always off the menu?

I don't want low profile. I want naked ambition. I want goals, strategies, belligerence, intent. I want swagger. I want the Everton I grew up with. I want us to find the guy who will get this club thinking big again. Somebody who understands that if we make this massive football club vibrant, the commercial revenue will take care of itself. Somebody who will demand everyone connected raises his/her game several notches... Somebody who wants everything to be louder than everything else.

I don't care if he comes in as CEO or first-team coach. I don't care what title they want to give him.  I'd rather have one leader with confidence, ambition and drive than an "elite" team of chinless wonders whose sole ambition seems to be to give buffoonery a bad name.

In my opinion (and it is just my opinion), the younger Evertonians are this club's greatest attribute. They have never seen their team as contenders. They have only ever witnessed one shitshow after another. Yet there they are — loud and proud. Unfortunately, I fear their numbers are slowly dwindling. In a city which was once predominantly blue, its clear that the kids walking round in red shirts out-number the boys and girls in blue. Of course the success the RS have enjoyed will inevitably have some bearing,  but I believe there's more to it than that. Everton FC simply doesn't appeal to enough of them. We don't offer enough. They don't see our purpose.

This club needs future proofing. We gorra get out of this place.